I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
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There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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