her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
