Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
