My Higher Power is John Stamos
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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