my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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