I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
