I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
