i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
