Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
