just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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