My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
