dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
