dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
