If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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