So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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