i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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