Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
