Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
