I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
