So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
