pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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