You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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