Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
