I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
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