Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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