i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
