this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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