2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My vagina is officially offended.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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