bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
