Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
