I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if only i could text you this smell
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
