if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
