hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
