I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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