I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Randomize
