Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
