I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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