Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
What a dumb baby whore.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
