So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
