then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
did i walk over a car last night?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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