can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
