My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
