I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
