he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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