I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
