textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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