I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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