Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
