I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Can I color on your dick again?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Randomize
