Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
