sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
