I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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