meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
