I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
