I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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