i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
