Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
