Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
