I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
