my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
