Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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