I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
