I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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