Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg