cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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