A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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