I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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